I got home from work around midnight and it takes me awhile to unwind. I had finally fallen asleep around 1:30 AM and Boo wakes up, her diaper is wet. I go and change it, she wants to poke my eyes and say "eyyyye" in her little sweet voice. I quietly lay her back down and tell her to "go night, night", it's about 2:30 now and I am so tired... The Artist's alarm goes off... he usually is so quiet in the morning I don't hear him, but since I wasn't asleep boy, do I hear him. He leaves for work around 3:00 AM. I drift off to sleep at last... I am hoping to get at least 4 hours praying that the girls don't wake until 7:00.
I am woken by the sound of little foot steps and I peel my eye lids open and Bugs shinning smile is in my face :) Bug and I have a deal in the morning were she has to go to the bathroom and then I will get out of bed. So I agree to snuggle with her stuffed animals that she places in my arms and send her to the potty. I hear her singing and the water running and all sorts of 5 year old fun in the bathroom. It's fine, I'm warm in my bed and it has to be at least 7:00. Bug finishes up and comes back into my bedroom telling me to get up.
I sit up and am a little dizzy, my brain is sending signals for caffeine, or sleep... I squint at the clock but can't tell the numbers, where are my glasses?... I ask Bug to tell me the numbers on the clock and she proudly states there is a 4, a 2 and an 8. I find my glasses and double check, yup she's right 4:28, uhg. I snap at Bug and tell her it's not 7 and she needs to go back to bed. She argues with me that it's morning and wants to watch t.v. I offer to let her sleep in bed with me. This never is a good thing, bug wiggles, I tell her to stop, she keeps wiggling so I left and told her I was going to sleep on the couch because I didn't want to yell at her. (it's happened, so I am trying not to do it again). I finally get all situated on the cold leather couch and drift off and Bug starts yelling, Mom, Mom, Mooooooooom! I run into the room and she wants to tell me some random thing, I lost it. I started crying and yelling my heart is beating rapidly I tell Bug to go to sleep and stay in bed until I come and get her, then I tucked her in firmly. I go back out to the cold, lonely couch and feel HORRIBLE. What kind of mother am I? I shouldn't even be a mother, I'm not a nice person, I just yelled at my daughter because I lost MY patients. I feel so guilty I go to the room to apologize and Bug is fast asleep. I whisper in her ear hoping she'll subliminally get some of my apology and return to my sad sleeping quarters. It's 6:30 AM... I can't sleep, I feel like scum, have no functioning brain cells. I really felt so hopeless... I don't know if I've ever felt that sad in my life. I instant messaged The Artist and luckily he was there. He guided me through my fog, told me I was a good mother and came home so I could go to sleep. We really processed what happened and why he admitted that he looses his cool sometimes too and we came up with a new family motto. Our old one is still good, but I think this one is perfect for the trials we have now. It is,
"Let's Start Now!"
Basically, don't look back at our mistakes and make the NOW what we want and make it special. It's like a new chapter in our marriage, with our parenting, with our family. I want to paint it everywhere in our house and in our car in all the places I loose my patients with my children. It's not necessary, because The Artist and I have really taken it to heart.
I am proud that we are overcoming our burdens, forgiving our imperfections and moving forward. Our home has been happier and I cherish every day I am given with my children and husband. I hope I never take for granted what I have been given.
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