Part-Timing it!

So the Artist finally got the job that he's been applying for, for the past year! Yeah! It is all very cool and almost everything we wanted it to be. Right now he is working the evening/night shift and we are hoping he can transfer to a morning shift in the next year. He's pretty bummed he doesn't get to put the girls to bed anymore, and make us dinner (as am I :)).

I am most excited because I cut my hours at work from 36 hours a week to 18 hours a week. I am currently in my 2nd week of part-time career, full-time Motherhood and it has been and still is a big change for me. The past four years have been a tornado, a roller coaster of no sleep, mommy guilt, and a depression of sorts from feeling guilty by never living up to what I think I should be. This is all totally wrong, of course. I know I am a good mother and I know I do my best, but it still have had many moments of feeling guilty for no reason at all. Now I am facing another personal growth spurt. I have so many unfinished projects, so many daily duties, so much to just do I don't know how to balance it all. Before last week I kind of just set things aside and blamed not finishing things because I was tired, I did work full-time and was tired. Now I'm not so tired, but can't get into a groove. I'm hoping it will just magically happen, but have my doubts. I guess I am admitting that I am overwhelmed with trying to recover and finish things that have been set aside for the past four years... I don't know where to start and there is no finish line in sight.

I am, however, feeling very blessed. Change is always hard, but I really feel this change is going to go in a really positive direction. I get to be home and enjoy everything that the Artist and I have worked so hard for. Our girls are growing and I am cherishing every cute and amazing thing that they do and say.

Sad Summer Blues...(wishing it was a little more green)

We are really missing the Pacific Northwest today... It's been a hard day for us. We love the outdoors, but it's just too hot here in the west.

Us on a hike in Washington... we would go hiking every weekend, one of my favorite things :)

The Artist came home today early from school after I begged him to so we could go do something fun as a family. We ended up doing nothing... I am pretty bummed about that, but trying my hardest not to let it get me down. (but it still does a little bit)

Favorite things (part 3)

Ballerina's...

Pig Tails :)

giving mothers recognition

I was a little torn today at church... a new baby was given a father's blessing and after the beautiful blessing a member of the bishopric asked the Mother to stand so we, as the congregation could respect her for giving birth to this beautiful baby. I of course, feel this was a valid concept and yes, childbirth should be recognized as a great accomplishment. I get that.... but I also felt that deep gut wrenching pain in my heart, again I was left out of the exclusive "Fertility Club." It's moments like this that I hurt, it's moments like this that I succumb to the grief I thought I had overcome. Again, it validates that yes, adoption made me a Mother, but it did not 'cure' my infertility.

But then, just as I had that darkness overcome me, a little 5-year-old hand patted my leg and whispered to me that she loved me. Yes, I am a Mother, yes I can claim to of born my beautiful baby girls, maybe not of my own womb, but through my trials, faith, prayer and pain. My children did not grown under my heart, but in it. So today I proudly stand and claim my recognition for raising two beautiful spirits of Heavenly Father in an eternal family where love is born throughout the ends of time.
This bronze sculpture reminds me of an empty womb, but still cradling life in it's hand... my inspiration is my family. It is my chance to reach for more and to be grateful for life and accepting Heavenly Father's higher (and much better) plan for me.

12 years...

It's been 12 years since we met at the alter and said oh yeah! I have a different love now than I did that February day. It's much, much, deeper, it's more complicated, it's oh so real. I am quirky and at times can be a little spunky he loves me for that. He can be eccentric, stubborn and logical I love him for that. We have our differences, but I know this is what keeps our relationship interesting.
I feel like we are entering a new era of our life and am actually a little nervous about it. What if's are floating around in my head, hopes, what should my realistic expectations be for the future? I do know I have one thing that I always gravitate to and that's is The Artist is my best friend, my love he is my rock in the storm. I know that when things get tough we are in it together.

We've weathered through a lot of storms in our 12 years of marriage...infertility, depression, surgeries, loss of jobs, major moves, deaths in the family, pain, school, adoption, and always we are holding to each other planning on ways to get through things and become better.

I love us and am grateful for our trials and thankful for our happy times. Here's to many, many,many more years together.

The Glass Half Full...

I'm sarcastic, I'm a pessimist...

So in an effort to look at the glass half full here are my top ten reasons why being a working Mother are good:

1. My children can say goodbye easily

2. The Artist has quality time EVERY night with the girls. He gets to feed them dinner, and do the whole bedtime routine.

3. The Artist cooks dinner 90% of the time for our family. (and he cleans up 75% of the time)

4. I get to talk to adults at work.

5. I get to drive in the car all by myself and listen to whatever music I want on the way to and from work.

6. I really, really cherish the time I have with my children (and husband). We never take our time together for granite.

7. Having limited time to do stuff at home forces me to be organized.

8. I get to brag about how cute and smart my kids are to people at work :)

9. Since I work in the evening/night, when I come home it's nice and quiet and I can just go straight to bed.

10. Bug thinks I'm a Doctor :)

I really struggle with being a working Mother, it's not easy and it isn't for everyone. Heck, if I could I would not choose to work outside of the home. But for now it is a necessity and I am going to try and look at the bright side of having to work. I literally cry on the way to work at least once a week. It's so hard leaving my girls and sweet husband, I keep hoping in the next few months The Artist will get a cool job and then I wont have to work out of necessity. He is finishing up his last couple of classes this semester and then only has TWO classes left!!!!!! Those he will be taking online Spring/Summer and be DONE! I can't believe it, it is getting so close. Eventually we will be a 'normal' family with a hopefully normalish schedule and maybe we can catch up on the past 4 years of sleep :) and quality time. (oh, and move out of the ghetto) :)

I plan on praying a lot over the next few months, I know that The Artist is meant to be an Artist, but our little family needs some consistency too. Pray for a good job worthy of The Artists talents, Pray for health, Pray for courage to reach out of our comfort zone, Pray for friendship - if anyone knows of a job for The Artist please lead us to them, Pray for happiness, and most importantly pray for patients.

Sleep Deprivation Sucks!

I am a night owl and well, it works out for me when I am at my job that pays, but when I am home the burden of late nights and daily home duties starts to suck the life out of me. On days when my beautiful children decide to wake at 5:00 AM I am especially tired and frustrated. I have to admit that a couple of weeks ago I lost it for about 15 minutes in the wee hours of the morning.

I got home from work around midnight and it takes me awhile to unwind. I had finally fallen asleep around 1:30 AM and Boo wakes up, her diaper is wet. I go and change it, she wants to poke my eyes and say "eyyyye" in her little sweet voice. I quietly lay her back down and tell her to "go night, night", it's about 2:30 now and I am so tired... The Artist's alarm goes off... he usually is so quiet in the morning I don't hear him, but since I wasn't asleep boy, do I hear him. He leaves for work around 3:00 AM. I drift off to sleep at last... I am hoping to get at least 4 hours praying that the girls don't wake until 7:00.
I am woken by the sound of little foot steps and I peel my eye lids open and Bugs shinning smile is in my face :) Bug and I have a deal in the morning were she has to go to the bathroom and then I will get out of bed. So I agree to snuggle with her stuffed animals that she places in my arms and send her to the potty. I hear her singing and the water running and all sorts of 5 year old fun in the bathroom. It's fine, I'm warm in my bed and it has to be at least 7:00. Bug finishes up and comes back into my bedroom telling me to get up.
I sit up and am a little dizzy, my brain is sending signals for caffeine, or sleep... I squint at the clock but can't tell the numbers, where are my glasses?... I ask Bug to tell me the numbers on the clock and she proudly states there is a 4, a 2 and an 8. I find my glasses and double check, yup she's right 4:28, uhg. I snap at Bug and tell her it's not 7 and she needs to go back to bed. She argues with me that it's morning and wants to watch t.v. I offer to let her sleep in bed with me. This never is a good thing, bug wiggles, I tell her to stop, she keeps wiggling so I left and told her I was going to sleep on the couch because I didn't want to yell at her. (it's happened, so I am trying not to do it again). I finally get all situated on the cold leather couch and drift off and Bug starts yelling, Mom, Mom, Mooooooooom! I run into the room and she wants to tell me some random thing, I lost it. I started crying and yelling my heart is beating rapidly I tell Bug to go to sleep and stay in bed until I come and get her, then I tucked her in firmly. I go back out to the cold, lonely couch and feel HORRIBLE. What kind of mother am I? I shouldn't even be a mother, I'm not a nice person, I just yelled at my daughter because I lost MY patients. I feel so guilty I go to the room to apologize and Bug is fast asleep. I whisper in her ear hoping she'll subliminally get some of my apology and return to my sad sleeping quarters. It's 6:30 AM... I can't sleep, I feel like scum, have no functioning brain cells. I really felt so hopeless... I don't know if I've ever felt that sad in my life. I instant messaged The Artist and luckily he was there. He guided me through my fog, told me I was a good mother and came home so I could go to sleep. We really processed what happened and why he admitted that he looses his cool sometimes too and we came up with a new family motto. Our old one is still good, but I think this one is perfect for the trials we have now. It is,

"Let's Start Now!"

Basically, don't look back at our mistakes and make the NOW what we want and make it special. It's like a new chapter in our marriage, with our parenting, with our family. I want to paint it everywhere in our house and in our car in all the places I loose my patients with my children. It's not necessary, because The Artist and I have really taken it to heart. I am proud that we are overcoming our burdens, forgiving our imperfections and moving forward. Our home has been happier and I cherish every day I am given with my children and husband. I hope I never take for granted what I have been given.